POSTED 22/3/15


SCREAMRIDE

Microsoft

Ever fancied being a mumblesome Canadian folk-rocker?

Nup, us either, and luckily rather than being one, Screamride lets us inflict untold grief upon them.

Yes, we’re talking crash test dummies, which you populate rollercoaster rides with. Except they’re kinda human. Cue backstory of futuristic dystopia, a bored populous and no abating childlike fearlessness. Plus a bored GLaDOS-alike commentator.

There’re three game modes to play with. Theoretically, the most fun one would be careening cars about terrorising your meat puppet ballast babes and blokes, amassing screams Monsters, Inc style. But corner too fast and hello derail city. Go too slow and hey there yawny town. Time things crappily? No speed up for you!

Yep, it’s less fun than it initially sounds, as it’s so tiggy-touchwood whether your dupes hoon around a corner in a wondrous arc, or career wayward at an astonishing rate of knots. Naturally the latter’s a total buzzkill.

Persevere though and things improve, even if using shit like brakes goes against every natural instinct. Score, advance and, well, unlock more of the same, just with more bastardly impediments.

The next mode’s basically 3D Angry Birds. Aim, build momentum and let loose, intent upon Max Carnage. Hi Max!

Then there’s a precursor to bigger things, which we’ll mention shortly. You’re given an almost complete track in which you join gaps to construct a coherent ride experience. Let those guinea pigs loose and hope they don’t go splot. Or hope that they do if you’re a sick prick, natch.

Those bigger things? A full-on track editor. Yep, make your own insane creations from whoa to go and back. Or just download ones that others prepared earlier if you’re indolent, or would rather use your creationary skills concocting your own game.

Screamride isn’t bad, but it’s nowhere as thrilling as it should be. Fuck physics and fuck reality, just make it more fun next time, mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm?

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