POSTED 20/4/11


RUSH 'N ATTACK: EX-PATRIOT

Konami
PS3/PSN (also on Xbox 360/XBLA)

*SNORT* In this apparent sequel to homophonic ’80s arcade smasheroonie Rush’n Attack – better known to many of us as the less politically nyahh-nyahh Green Beret - you lead a team of *SNORT* ‘ninja badasses’ deep into Russki territory. They’re caught before things even begin, meaning a: ‘badasses’ our arse and b: you’re a really fucking shitty leader.

But we feel like reminiscing before diving deeper into this. Our main Green Beret days were on the C64. Girders a-go-go as you frenetically careened from left to right, with the Russian military throwing everything at you but the kitchen sinkski as you cut them up real good. All soundtracked by Martin Galway strangling every last wondrous squonk of awesome out of the SID chip. Ah, good times.

So, you’d expect this modern day sequel to pack more action and acegasmicness, yeah? Well, we did – colour us suckered. It may have the name, but other than controlling a blade-wielding soldier-type, there’s not much to get reminiscetational about.

Instead, RnA:EP is a mish-mash of several styles – a particularly good example of the hoary adage ‘jack of all trades, master of none’. It’s a bit Castlevania, with maps to traverse up, down, left, right and sideways – even though that last one’s covered by the two before it. It’s a tad Rolling Thunder, with hidey-hole stealthy elements. It’s a smidgeon Shinobi and its fucktonnes Bionic Commando, except without that game’s coolest bit. Yep, that’d be the extendo-arm.

Game stews can be yummy, but everything has to be right. Unfortunately the controls here are finicky at best. Anything other than walking can be fraught with frustration as your little Morrow dude struggles with ladders and ledges. Freneticness? Gone! Meanwhile, animations stymie free-flowingness, and as for the frigging cutscenes...

Where’s our C64 emulator? This thing’s plopski.

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