POSTED 2/4/12


NEVERDEAD

Konami
PS3 (also on Xbox 360)

It may sound like a battery brand from a Looney Tunes romp, but NeverDead is actually the tale of a sort of demonic Mr Potato Head.

The spud in question is Bryce Boltzmann, not deceased. He’s been kicking around for some 600 years and boy is he tired – BAM! Sorry. Anyway, he’s employed by a governmental agency known as NADA - and that’s not NASA said with a cold. Perhaps due to ageical decrepitude he has a propensity to shed bits. Arms, legs, bonce... très embarrassant in mixed company.

That’s the hook in this action-adventure thing – vaguely like in DecapAttack back on the Mega Drive, except that was ace. But we’re getting a-head of ourselves (hey, that’s comedy gold compared to some of the drecknastic lines here).

Anyway, you’re paired with a spotty teen boy wank fantasy, aka ludicrously scantily-clad NADA agent/bimbo Arcadia Maximille (seriously, who names their daughter after a Duran Duran spinoff band?!). Together you explore eight boringly-named areas, battling assorted demonic spurtles ranging from hellhounds to mutie bubbas and all manner of shit that defies description other than “all manner of shit”. Plus there are interminable boss battles.

OK, obviously we’re not impressed. Why? It’s 2012, and this game’s date-stamped as such. So, why’s the camera like a refugee from a B-grade PSX game? Too close, too random, too spinny, too always-in-the-fucking-wrong-place-at-the-wrong-fucking-time. URGH, hello lunch! Then there’s that hook. Get attacked and limbs randomly sproing about the landscape. Down to a head? Roll about Katamari-like trying to reassemble, whilst battling relentless hordes of repetititititititive assailants, including those mutie bubbas that dig swallowing heads – for all eternity. Cue restart...

We could whine about convoluted controls and the multipronged assault of – perhaps appropriately, considering the protagonist’s predicament - endless frustration, but meh. Bimby Maxisquidgyboobyknickers or whatever her name is sums this cheesefest up best – “Eww, that was so gross!”

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