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POSTED
21/4/14
KINECT SPORTS RIVALS
Microsoft Game Studios
Xbox One
Hello. I’d like to tell you about once being cool, until I sold
out completely,
pocketing fuckloads of cash to flog an online sports
betting company.
Yes, I’m Samuel L Jackson, and I’m a douche.
Also, if you’ve had it up to here with these motherfucking sports on
your motherfucking console then you may wish to change channels –
like we do whenever Sammy hits our telly aiming to corrupt every kid
watching the footy... and likely adults of diminished mental
capacity who don’t realise that it’s a massive con.
Of course if
you have an Xbox One then this is actually the first multi-sports
game, so you can’t have had it up to here, etcetera. You may even be
excited. Don’t be, for we bet you’ll be unhappy...
Six vaguely
sweat-inducing events feature. Old staples tennis, soccer and
bowling, plus shooting, climbing and jet-skiing. They all try to
justify the existence of that hunka-hunka burnin’ uselessness called
Kinect that you had to get when you got Xboned. They don’t do a very
good job.
You’ve two options. Jump in, unable to select your own
characters or accrue points, but able to pursue whichever pursuit
you wish to pursue. Or, get all scanned, have a vaguely-you avatar
created (although we looked like Manda Rin from Bis, and we don’t
normally) and get down to serious stuff accrual – while enduring a
drill sergeant instructor who makes you wish Kinect was truly
interactive so you could kick his fucking teeth in. Much like we
feel about Sammy when those ads home invade.
The vagaries of
motion control rule here. Tennis? Vague, simple. Soccer? Vague,
simple. Bowling? Vague, simple. Shooting? Vague, naff and simple.
Climbing? Vague, simple. Jet skiing? Vague, simple...
Simply, all
of these would be more enjoyable controlled with a controller,
making Kinect Sports Rivals pointless. Much like Samuel L Jackson
nowadays.
  
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