POSTED 25/11/14


GRAND THEFT AUTO V

Rockstar Games

Inexcusable misogynistic drivel.

Right, that’s our thoughts on The Footy Show sorted...

As for this now-genified, graphics-bolstered mix of Rockstar’s latest licence-to-print-moolah, welcome back to Los Santos – a microcosm of every shitty, de-evolutional, vapid, self-absorbed, witless and otherwise hope-sucking stereotype of human nature, where shallowness is championed. It’s a little too real...

Not content with one boring old protagonist, you eventually have three to puppeteer. Snoop Fiddy West, Tony Soprano and The Joker. Well OK, gangbanger homeboy Franklin, retired mobster-type Michael and crackheadinous nutjob Trevor. Their stories intersect, whether you assail main missions, side jobbies, or just fuck freely in the seriously sizeamariffic, infinitely playable playground offered.

2 Unlimited once intoned “No-no, no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no, no-no there’s no limits”, and if not for some 20-plus years between it and GTAV fucking logic, it could’ve been about this open world treat. Wanna nab a jetski and piss off seawards? OK. But sharks have pointy teeth. Wanna just drive, pretty much anywhere? Sure – but real world physics rule. Wanna go all Grand Theft Jumbo? Sure thing! But watch those wings, they’re surprisingly delicate...

Walk, run, drive, bike, fly, sail. Dress-up, amass arsenals, collect collectibles, garage motors, customise the latter. Frolic with the dog, play tennis or golf, listen to the packed-with-extra-tunes radio, movie watch, market-speculate. Make friends, influence people, blow brains out. Get pissed, touch merchandise – we’re only scratching the surface.

Plus, stuff that wussy third-person shit, you can do first-person now. It can be quite the eye-opener...

Sexist? GTAV obviously sets out to skewer the rubbish of modern life, eschewing fear or favour. Sure, the three playable peeps have dicks, but they’re hardly brandished as admirable moral compasses. Piss is extracted from everybody, be they male, female, religious, secular, smart, dumb... Heartbreakingly, anybody who thinks women have real world equality even in 2014 is delusional. Pathetic recent events substantiate our claim.

So let’s just drop the politics, play a game and revel in it, OK? Los Santos, FUCK YEAH!

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