POSTED 26/1/13


EARTH DEFENSE FORCE 2017 PORTABLE

D3 Publisher
Vita/PSN

Bugs? Fucking hate ’em. Intergalactic robot bugs? Fucking hate ’em even more. Fuckers.

Japan’s been infested with them. Thankfully we don’t live anywhere near there. But as Mr Mortein seemingly hasn’t invented a big mo-fo spray insecticide capable of bringing down space creepy-crawlies, we do get to tune in, turn on and shoot the living robo-snot out of them in this dumb-as-dog-shit shooter.

The graphics? Meh, average.

The sound? Fnuh, it’s alright.

The dialogue? Cheesier than Mayor McCheese in a melted cheese wrestling ring four-way with Alex James of Blur and those Kiwi blokes from the Mainland ads... with a hose continually splooping even more cheese in as the grappling gropingly grapples.

The strategy? What strategy?!

The action? Utterly mindless. Just shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot and shoot more. Until you hit an invisible wall, negotiate that, then start shooting again.

The weaponry? Start with an array of peashooters and work up to the sort of shoot once, kill everything stuff that would even make Arnie slobber. But you’ll have to grind through a few times to get the cream of the weaponistical crop unlocked.

The word 'reload'? You'll learn to despise it.

Sounds cack, yeah? Nuh-uh. EDF2017P is what it is, and that’s a really super-fun mindless third-person shooter. Seriously, for every hateful hunk of frustrated we experienced from invisible walls, slowdown, endless fuck-knuckle bugs spawning right on top of us and dodgy collision detection, there were the moments of taking out screen-sized robo-nasties in a hail of explodigasmic gloriousness, pancaking cities and just having a really bloody ace time not having to think, just twitching that shooty finger, drooling, and repeatedly intoning the mantra “one-more-go-then-bed.”

If you want depth, dive into the deep end. But sometimes the kiddie pool’s where the fun’s at.

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