POSTED 16/1/11


EAT THEM!

Sony
PS3/PSN

Unspeakable horrors from outer space paralyse the living and resurrect the dead! No they don’t, but for a sci-fi schlockfest we’d rather re-watch Plan 9 then play Eat Them! again.

It sprung from nerddom, with all the promise of absolute aceness!

A horror horde of stomp-and-crush giants clawing aimlessly when aim is what’s needed!

Raging through the world on a rampage of destruction as devastating as a moist towelette!

OK, enough of the tagline bullshit, let’s get down to why Eat Them! is a disappointment of epic epicness.

Consider, if you will, taking the 2D arcade awesomeness of Rampage and plopping it in a more-or-less free-roaming 3D environment. Create your own monster (albeit to a limited point, as you start with only a few handfuls of options) and be let loose to stomp, smash, zap and otherwise crush, kill destroy. Sound good? We thought so, too...

A classic case of “nice face, shame about the legs”, Eat Them! takes that awesome premise, presents it quite magnificently – everything’s rendered in traditional comic book style and looks a treat, whilst the soundtrack, erm, sounds a treat and there are levels aplenty - then attaches a game that could have been monumental, but epically fails due to ultra-ploppy implementation.

A free-roaming stompathon should give any player gleeful freedom to, well, stomp – freely and gleefully. Instead you’re usually too busy battling rough-as-hessian-undies controls trying to unstick yourself from a stuck-to building, or eating people furiously to replenish juice as you face yet another unbeatable barrage of energy-enervating fire from most every corner of the screen, to have any fun.

Perhaps we shouldn’t complain, after all, the monsters are products of the ‘PARP Corporation’. Anything named after a fart can’t be relied upon for anything more than a primal giggle.

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