POSTED 31/5/12


DRAGON'S DOGMA

Capcom
PS3 (also on Xbox 360)

In a world where Monty Python meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer – well, except for the humour, the ker-niggits, the snappy quippage and, umm, vampires... Oh fuck it, let’s start again.

You’re the chosen one, sans lovely blonde hair. Well, unless you make your character that way. It’s on when a gigantic red dragon who speaks pontiffically steals your heart – not in the mooshy, cuddly, toasting-marshmallows-on-their-smouldering-breath-whilst-canoodling-hand-in-hand-on-the-beach sense, more a pierce-your-boobage-and-rip-the-old-cardiovascular-unit-right-out-then-swallow-it style. Prick.

Still, you take that lickin’ and somehow keep on tickin’ – it must be magic or summat. You create a you, select a starting gig – ‘Fighter’, ‘Mage’ or ‘Strider’ (nice retroactive product placement on that last one, Capcom) - equip implements of stabbiness and nick off after the winged boob-defiler, with Scooby gang in tow. Except here they’re called ‘pawns’. Meh. Intriguingly, they do habitually slut themselves out to other online peeps (and vice versa), which is... umm, intriguing. It’s also handy, as it makes them more sussed, which can be advantageous.

Action plays out between more fades to black than a Visage hit with the brightness set way too low. As well as dragons you’ll fight numerous beasties, including what we assume is the mythological world’s answer to turducken, the lion/goat/snake mashup – erm, ligonake?

Basically, we’re talking God of War action smushed in Cold Rock (yum!) fashion with open worldy RPGingness.

We’ve not enough space to be more detailed, as we’ve crapped on too much about, well, crap. So, summarisingly, DD delivers upgradable skills (including impressive magic that’d make Houdini pout), loot aplenty, the biggest foe encounters this side of Lilliput (if your Lilliputian, natch), and an appealingly different approach to your typically D&D-infused Elder Scrollsistic affair, all wrapped around a... brhrrrm... story.

Play as a chick and you may even get some Willow/Tara kinda action, too. Suckle on that, Julia!

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