POSTED 4/10/13


DRAGON'S CROWN

Atlus
Vita (also on PS3)

Boing-oing-oing!

Boing-oing-oing!

Boing-oing-oing!

With six choices of characters in Dragon’s Crown, an arcade RPG thingy, we first plumped for the sorceress. ‘Plumped’ is right! Show us an actual living woman with bosoms like this and we’ll show you a tragic cripple living in constant agonising agony. Seriously, did 13-year-old spotty dorks do the art for this?

Probably not, as save for a ridiculously pathetic fetish for impossible anatomy which extends beyond just our sorceress, the artwork here is magnificent. Stunning even. Oh well, spotty dorks age, we guess.

Game-wise, if they’d stopped at kind of smushing together 2D arcade classics like Golden Axe and Rastan, and even Final Fight without the subways, massive barrels and Mike Haggars, then Dragon’s Crown would be super-fried aceness. But, as seems to be the way too often nowadays, a mass of convoluted RPG elements had to be shoehorned in. Yawn. As such, you trudge about castles, dungeons, labyrinths and such with all the power of an asthmatic dust mite, ever so sloooooooooooowly levelling up to the point where the frequent boss battles aren’t interminably long and dull grindfests that result in numerous deaths – despite your magic and more traditional armament. Oh sure, you can buy back in – until the loot runs out.

Unlike the boosies, that loot’s scarcely bountiful, either. When you manage to retain some you can purchase new, improved fighting ephemera – the usual schtick - so that proceedings actually start to become more enjoyable. It takes patience – numerous hours thereof - but those possessing it are rewarded.

Eventually unfurling diverging paths, side quests, online or local multiplayer and oodles of beautiful imagery, Dragon’s Crown packs the content. But those just craving a good old fashioned fantasy-themed beat ’em up will quickly realise that it’s all a bit of a bust...

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