POSTED 16/2/12


CRUSH 3D

SEGA
3DS

Guinea pigs. They’re honourable little test subjects, having saved us from plaguesque diphtheria and possibly countless other greeblies. In Crush 3D, you – shiny black eyes and all - are a guinea pig. No pressure to save us from shitty diseases or anything...

You’re the supposed buddy of some mad professor who’s delighted to use you experimentally, rather than some fuzzy rodent that the human race usually assumes is more expendable, as fuzzy families worldwide mourn their rellies that end up with perma-mascara or ears growing from their arses.

As such, you’ve a helmet doobrie slapped on your bonce, called CRUSH, which basically goes all “I’m crushing your head!” on you. Not really, actually, we just wanted to reference The Kids in the Hall.

What it does do is allow you to smush your perception of stuff. Generally we see in 3D, however a flick of a switch results in everything going flatter than a Biggest Loser’s Odour Eaters. This is the key to progress through 40 levels of often devious puzzler. You tromp about collecting marbles. Gather enough then the end of level will open and you can get the fuck out – and onto another mind-bending conundrum.

Collectibles add to stress – don’t find the trophy or the photo album and you won’t get, erm, a trophy or a photo album. If you’re obsessively completionistic then you’ll go doolally trying to nab them all, in a kinda Pokémon style without the fuzzy Japanesey cutetasticness.

Your anticrapness will depend almost solely on your ability to examine 3D space and reinterpret it in 2D. A platform may be way over there, but flatten the landscape all sideways-like and it’ll be perfectly accessible. Wow, we’re freaking out!

If you dig nice, simple, walk-in-the-park puzzlers then forget this. Enjoy exercising your witty bits, however? Then cough up the bucks – just not near us, diphtheria-breath.

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